Living On The Edge

I am a crier, and I am glad that I am. But it has not always been that way. I am not sure when my distorted view of tears was formed. I just know that sometime in my childhood, I latched onto the idea that crying is a sign of weakness. When I was growing up, I cried about basically everything. I was eventually labeled the “baby,” or some people put it in nicer words, “Oh, Amy is so tender-hearted.” What I heard in my head was “Amy is weak, and she can’t handle anything.” I often wondered, “Why can’t I be like everyone else?” I carried this way of thinking throughout most of my life. It has only been during the past couple of years that the Lord has shown me the truth about tears.

It started a few years ago, when my daughter was running late for her orthodontist appointment.  I responded with complete grumpiness. The really odd thing about that day is the way I drove the car. As I was hurrying to the orthodontist, I was taking my frustration out on my car – swerving around corners, slowing and starting in an aggressive way. I am sure you are getting the picture. For some people, this may be normal, but for me this was way out of character. Within 5 minutes, I saw what was going on. I was thinking, “What am I doing? I have never acted like this!” The frustration melted away as I began asking the Lord why I was acting this way. He took me back to the memory of a decision I had made months before, not to cry anymore. I had made up my mind that I was strong, and I had grown out of the crying phase. I was going to be like everyone else, and just handle life like a “Soldier!” In reality, I had begun hardening my heart. Instead of processing my sadness or frustration, I had begun shrugging it off. It made me feel strong and tough. The problem is that I did not like what I had seen in myself that day. Was this how I wanted to be – edgy, impatient, and snappy?

I am thankful that I tried life without tears, so that I could see for myself how necessary they are. Tears are a gift from God to cleanse our souls from the sorrow that touches our lives. Tears are an expression of our deep emotions that otherwise would be unfelt. Tears of joy are just as necessary as tears of sadness. One time my husband and I had a brief separation to sort through our marital strife. I was not sure what the outcome would be. When God intervened and we reunited, I cried for weeks. Night after night I would lay awake weeping until I fell asleep. The joy in my heart was so great that tears were the only way for it to be released. It feels like I have cried enough tears to fill a large boat. But I do not regret that at all. I cry often, I cry over sad things, happy things, exciting things, I cry when I pray, I cry during movies and T.V. shows. Sometimes I just know I need to cry, so I plan what I call a programmed cry. I turn on my Christian music – there are certain songs that encourage worship and draw me close to the Lord. I wait for His embrace and let the tears flow. It is so healing to let God’s Spirit envelop my heart and savor the gift of tears.

Psalm 126:5

They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. KJV

Psalm 56:8

Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book? KJV

Lord, thank you for the wonderful gift of tears. Thank you that I don’t have to carry pain,   sorrow, and heartache inside me forever. Thank you that I can express my deepest emotions through tears. Help me to always embrace your gift of tears and reap the joy that comes through crying. Amen.

~Amy

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