Living On The Edge

I am a crier, and I am glad that I am. But it has not always been that way. I am not sure when my distorted view of tears was formed. I just know that sometime in my childhood, I latched onto the idea that crying is a sign of weakness. When I was growing up, I cried about basically everything. I was eventually labeled the “baby,” or some people put it in nicer words, “Oh, Amy is so tender-hearted.” What I heard in my head was “Amy is weak, and she can’t handle anything.” I often wondered, “Why can’t I be like everyone else?” I carried this way of thinking throughout most of my life. It has only been during the past couple of years that the Lord has shown me the truth about tears.

It started a few years ago, when my daughter was running late for her orthodontist appointment.  I responded with complete grumpiness. The really odd thing about that day is the way I drove the car. As I was hurrying to the orthodontist, I was taking my frustration out on my car – swerving around corners, slowing and starting in an aggressive way. I am sure you are getting the picture. For some people, this may be normal, but for me this was way out of character. Within 5 minutes, I saw what was going on. I was thinking, “What am I doing? I have never acted like this!” The frustration melted away as I began asking the Lord why I was acting this way. He took me back to the memory of a decision I had made months before, not to cry anymore. I had made up my mind that I was strong, and I had grown out of the crying phase. I was going to be like everyone else, and just handle life like a “Soldier!” In reality, I had begun hardening my heart. Instead of processing my sadness or frustration, I had begun shrugging it off. It made me feel strong and tough. The problem is that I did not like what I had seen in myself that day. Was this how I wanted to be – edgy, impatient, and snappy?

I am thankful that I tried life without tears, so that I could see for myself how necessary they are. Tears are a gift from God to cleanse our souls from the sorrow that touches our lives. Tears are an expression of our deep emotions that otherwise would be unfelt. Tears of joy are just as necessary as tears of sadness. One time my husband and I had a brief separation to sort through our marital strife. I was not sure what the outcome would be. When God intervened and we reunited, I cried for weeks. Night after night I would lay awake weeping until I fell asleep. The joy in my heart was so great that tears were the only way for it to be released. It feels like I have cried enough tears to fill a large boat. But I do not regret that at all. I cry often, I cry over sad things, happy things, exciting things, I cry when I pray, I cry during movies and T.V. shows. Sometimes I just know I need to cry, so I plan what I call a programmed cry. I turn on my Christian music – there are certain songs that encourage worship and draw me close to the Lord. I wait for His embrace and let the tears flow. It is so healing to let God’s Spirit envelop my heart and savor the gift of tears.

Psalm 126:5

They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. KJV

Psalm 56:8

Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book? KJV

Lord, thank you for the wonderful gift of tears. Thank you that I don’t have to carry pain,   sorrow, and heartache inside me forever. Thank you that I can express my deepest emotions through tears. Help me to always embrace your gift of tears and reap the joy that comes through crying. Amen.

~Amy

Tears were rolling down my cheeks as I was driving away from my mother’s house last summer. My heart was deeply touched when the realization hit me: My mother lives in the ghetto. But the difference between my mother, and others that live in the ghetto, is that she lives there by choice. She had previously lived in a very classy home in a prestigious community. Then one day she and her husband heard the voice of the Lord nudging them to move to a small town in West Georgia to plant a mission church. They sold their home, left upper middle class suburbia, and moved to a tiny house in a mill village that was built around the turn of the 19^th century.

I clearly remember the first time I saw the neighborhood. I had never seen anything quite like it, and neither had some of my other family members. My brother’s humor lightened our shocked state the first time we visited the new place that my mom called "home." He said,  “This reminds me of Archie Bunker’s neighborhood.” We had a good laugh, but the truth of the matter is Archie Bunker’s neighborhood (in the 1970’s sitcom) was much nicer. My daughter inquired, “Why are there dishwashers and furniture in some of the yards of this neighborhood?” As inquisitive as we were, I knew in my heart, this was where God had called my mother to live. Seeing the elegantly dressed, middle class woman in an impoverished area may have seemed odd to some people. But for me, as her daughter, I could see that the place she had chosen to live - fit perfectly with her Christ-like heart. She had found her mission field right here in America, in a community filled with people in great need of God’s grace and love. This is what defines my mother - her gift for sharing Christ’s mercy with the poor in spirit and brokenhearted.

I could fill a book with many examples of how I have seen Christ’s light shine through my mother, but there is one that has impacted my life the most. Shortly after my 13^th birthday, my father told me that he did not love my mother anymore and he was leaving. I have the memory etched in my mind of my mother sitting at the table weeping as she read her Bible. She had just heard my father’s words of rejection. Her college sweetheart, whom she was married to for 17 years, was divorcing her, piercing her heart. Shortly after the divorce, my father remarried another woman. My heart was crushed, so I can only imagine the depth of pain my mother was experiencing. Yet in the midst of her grieving, she continued to exemplify the amazing grace of God.

My mother never spoke any unkind words about my father, and she lived out what it means to forgive the way our heavenly Father forgives. Her loving words revealed her love for Christ. She told me that we needed to pray for my father – pray that he would surrender his life to Christ. She continually showed love and kindness to my father and his new wife. My mother’s life was building tremendous faith in my teenage heart as I watched her faithfulness. I saw a miracle come forth. A little over four years later, my father radically surrendered his heart to Christ. At seventeen years old, it was a blessing to have spiritual eyes to see that the merciful love of my mother had drawn my father to the Lord.

Later, while my mother was recovering from cancer, my father shared with me the true impact my mother’s love and forgiveness had made on his life. What I had discerned in my spirit, my father’s words confirmed. He began telling me that the most significant factor leading him to a fulfilled life in Christ was experiencing the unconditional, Christ-like love of my mother. It was beautiful, hearing with my ears what I had known in my heart for many years.

The Lord honored my mother by bringing her a strong, Christian man to marry several years after my father remarried. My mother’s life is a beautiful picture of how the Lord is able to take a devastating situation and use it for good (Romans 8:28). But most of all, her life is a true example of Christ’s mercy and kindness. The Lord had a good plan when He placed her in a neighborhood where there is poverty, drug addiction, and homeless people. These people are the ones that need to see grace the most. I wrote a poem about my mother titled: “Her Name Should Be Grace.” When I presented it to her on Mother’s Day…she softly said, "That’s what my name means – GRACE. "    

I love you, Mama! Thank you for being the living example of Christ's love. You will have an abundance of crowns in heaven.

Eternally grateful,

Amy

My monthly article written for : Intercessory Prayer Network  SE

After the birth of my firstborn child, I was in tremendous need of friendship. I was new to the great adventure of motherhood, and I needed all the support I could find. I saw an ad in the local newspaper for a support group for mothers, so I decided to give it a try. I attended the meetings, got to know the leader, and eventually accepted the job as co-leader of the group.

The support group seemed to be just what I needed at the time. But as the months went by, the burden of the leadership responsibilities began outweighing the benefits of my new support system. Ten months after joining the group, I wanted to walk away. I expressed my concerns to the woman I was co-leading with, which led to a misunderstanding between us. I noticed that my heart was beginning to harbor resentment. The warmth in our relationship turned to coldness.  

For the first time in my adult life – I had to face a heart-wrenching question: Would I be able to forgive, or would I hold onto the resentment? As a young woman in my twenties, I had very little relationship experience. But I knew what the Bible says about forgiveness:

Colossians 3: 13-14 "Bear with each other and forgive each other whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." NIV 

Ephesians 4:32 "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." NIV

Matthew 18:21-22 "Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, 'Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?' Jesus answered,  ' I tell you the truth, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.' " NIV

Even though I knew these scriptures about forgiveness, I was tempted to harden my heart. I remember asking for prayer at church. I knew I needed the Lord’s help to do the right thing. I decided to call the woman and make things right. At the time, I had no idea what that phone call would mean for my life, and ultimately for God’s kingdom. There is one detail that is most significant about this story. The woman I needed to forgive was not a Christian. She knew that I was a strong Christian. What if I had chosen to stay offended and walk away from her life? What message would that have spoken to her heart – especially about God?

I believe the choice I made was a pivotal decision in my life. When I chose to forgive and to respond with love – the heavens rejoiced! The woman I forgave grew to become one of my most cherished friends. Seventeen years later, I have a gift to enjoy – an irreplaceable, lifelong friendship. Above all, my beloved friend gave her life to Christ. I pray that I will always exemplify the love of Christ and reap the blessing of forgiveness.

Amy

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